Ride the Roller Coaster

New Year’s goal setting is tough when your goal (BABY!) is not in your control. No matter the timeline you allot yourself or how hard you work to make it happen, it may or may not come to fruition. As a goal driven woman, that is heartbreaking to accept. 

I like to work toward things and celebrate when I achieve them. When trying to conceive, I started to do everything that was in my control…see a reputable Reproductive Endocrinologist, adjust lifestyle factors, modify my diet, take proper supplements and get weekly acupuncture. I adopted a mood of empowerment, to make my healthiest self to prepare for conception. I am still upkeeping the changes…and I am still trying to conceive. 

I am currently on clomid in prep for IUI #3. As I started a new cycle, it struck me that my emotions have developed a unique cycle of their own:



Cycle Day 1-3: Depressed because I am not pregnant

Cycle Day 3- 7 : Swallowing down clomid with a dose of forced optimism. Emotions run wild. 

Cycle Day 8-14: Anxious anticipation to see how I responded to the meds and when the IUI will be scheduled

Cycle Day 14- 24: A mix of hope and positive thinking swells the majority of the two week wait

Cycle Day 24-28: The last few days of the two week wait brew anxiety and negative thinking, as if I already received a negative pregnancy test result

Cycle Day 28 – Upset and mad at the negative result of the pregnancy test. 

Repeat Cycle.

The yoyo of emotions is real and it is tiring. I want to be hopeful and believe it is possible, but being pulled to the other end of the spectrum becomes more painful, feeling like a positive pregnancy test is the impossible dream. I began to think…How can I learn to ride this fertility roller coaster better? Sure, there are some unexpected twists and turns, highs and lows, but can I learn to EXPECT those challenges and manage my energy BETTER around them?

My new goal is to strive for balance regardless of the cycle phase. Remain present for all that is coming up for me emotionally and physically, but not allowing it to throw me. I will root down and rest into the truth that I WILL BE OKAY, regardless of the outcome. It is a PRACTICE and everyday an opportunity to try the ride again, inviting more ease.